No reason. I just want to.
I suffer from severe depression. I'm alright with it. I deal with it.
It has gotten so bad in the past that I decided living was no longer a priority. I attempted suicide 6 years ago. It didn't work because you cant overdose on the medication I was taking at the time for my depression, I know, awesome use of irony in what I believed to be my last act. I hope if I ever get shot, I have time to say the best last line
"Bullets..... my one weakness..... how did you know?"
Although I probably should hope to never get shot instead....
I do my best not to let depression hijack my life. I have ways of dealing with it, and a few of them work. The best way I have found to deal with it is simply knowing that I'm just in a down-cycle right now.
Ok so, this is a sine wave, its what makes the modern world possible (ac electricity). Its also a nice diagram of how my depression acts most of the time, and at the moment I'm at the bottom of the wave. But it will soon begin to rise once more and ill feel better about life and I wont want to jump out the window anymore.I have sisters that deal with depression, I have friends who suffer from depression, I have cousins, brother-in-laws, a parent, neighbors and church members that all deal with it.
If you do not have to deal with it, then you don't know what its like to feel completely discouraged, sad, unmotivated, lethargic, irritable, introverted and tired for weeks at a time, for no reason.
That may very well be the worst part for me, that there is no reason.
Theoretical mathematics baffles me. I had a horrible time passing my math classes is college because it was completely unconnected with anything i cared about.
I have no idea how to do this math, and its simple quadratic equation stuff.
But this makes perfect sense to me, its the Laser rate equation, where u is laser intensity and z is when the laser reaches population inversion.
Or Planks constant, this is simple stuff that I memorized the first few weeks of school.
For me, dealing with things that have no reason, or no specific connection in my life is incredibly difficult and I sometimes just fail. like taking algebra 3 times, or staying depressed because I'm trying to figure out why I'm depressed.
I sometimes think that everyone understands this, and when someone says something that shows me that they don't get it, and they don't understand that you cant simply stop being depressed, or fix it by taking a pill, or praying, or getting exercise, then I have to remember that people don't think the way I do, and I don't think they way they do.
I figure that everyone can see that this schematic is a simple representation of...
This circuit. Its for recording audio onto a tape.
So, what do I do about this?
Honestly, for the most part I pretend I'm fine. Its a lot easier that having to deal with the questions and explanations. The problem with pretending like I'm alright, is that no one knows that i have a problem and that i know how to deal with it. What if someone needs advice because they are dealing with this too?
My only answer to that is to be as perceptive as I can and when I see someone that i think may benefit from my experience then I can talk to them and see if any of my methods work for them.
However, the best part about pretending I'm alright is that inevitably, the thing you pretend to be, you become. So i often make myself happy by pretending to be so.
Ive probably made little sense to most of you, but for those of you that I have reached and this article has resonated with you, I'm glad.
11 comments:
It's kind of weird to me that by you explaining your depression in terms of how you figure see things in the world, like sine waves and circuit schematics, actually makes sense to me. You've taken your depression (which I don't understand most of the time) and your grasp of technology (which I absolutely never understand) and combined them in a way that makes at least one of the two things (your depression) make sense to me. And I hope something of what I just said makes sense....because I'm not sure if it even makes sense to me.
Anyway, thank you. And I hope this low point doesn't last too long. I miss my un-depressed Eric.
I'm sorry you are depressed. And of course you know I wish I could do something about it - but I know I can't. Except to offer my support and gratefulness that you are still here to be depressed. It really is interesting like Mer said, that you have used your techknowledge to display your feelings. I'm glad you can do that. YOu are just so smart. I love you!
DEPRESSION SUCKS!!! Let's kick its butt, are you in? The ketchup is on the table! All over it.
Most of that made sense to me, except the part in the middle where you were being ubergeekish.
But the "wondering why" part made me wonder...what if you told yourself that by being depressed, you were making it so somebody else wasn't? Like, maybe there's a certain amount of depression in the world, and if some of it has landed on you for awhile, then you've saved someone else from it for awhile. Like because you are depressed right now, I don't have to be. Because you're taking it for the team. I mean, I know that's not true, but what if you tried to convince yourself it was, and tried to feel like you are nobly taking it on so someone else doesn't have to? Because I know that watching someone else go through it sucks as much as going through it yourself. What do you think of that idea?
Also, I am so amazed that you could write about it and post it for the public while it is happening. I can write about it while it's happening, but only for myself. Only later when I'm fine can I "confess" it. Whatever, why would it be a confession? Lame-o Jana. People actually think you're cool and tough for going through it. That's what I think.
Some of this comment is an example of my lame-o attempt to be funny to cheer people up. I'm hoping that you will like it, and not be annoyed that I'm trying such a retarded tactic. Because sometimes it's just so inappropriate.
But that's me.
Word.
I love the way your mind works. It fascinates me and also makes complete sense. I'm sorry you're at the bottom of the bend, but I"m glad that according to your wave diagram, you will be headed up now! Love you.
I think the way you compared it is really cool!
I also think that it is amazing how even when you are down you remember that things will get better!
This may not help but...
Think of how much you have helped other people.
Ways you would not be able to if you never experienced depression.
I know that it wont make it go away but maybe it will bring a smile to your face remembering that you made someone else smile when they felt like they would never smile again!
Eric, you are my favorite.
Your way with words is just so perfect, I love it.
Last night (when I read this) I was feeling... Well, just what you were describing. You nailed it on the head
And for some reason, reading this just gave me a little tug out of the bottom of that wave.
I just want to express my gratitude for that amazing post. You made me take a step back and just be able to look at it for what it is, and remember once again that it is not who I am, and that I'm not alone in these struggles, none of us are. Thank you for that.
It does sadden me to know you are struggling though. I hope you can get out of the low curve soon. You are amazing. I love you!
Hey Eric,....yeah. Made sense to me too.
I like the wave thing....i want to print that thing out and put it on my wall.
"pretend like i'm alright" That feels like the perfect line for my life so much of the time. The second i read it something in my head just Clicked.
I feel like depression/anxiety has taken over parts of my personality and changed me in ways i don't like. It gets in the way of communicating with Bryce so often and i just can't get out of the spiraling ... crap! But i Do know, like you said, that I won't be that way forever. My wave will go back up soon.
:) and hey i wanted you to know i still remember when you called me out of the blue almost three years ago just to talk and see how i was doing---during what happened to be one of the lowest points in my depression that year. It meant a lot to me. Love you eric!!
Eric -
I found your blog through Meredith's and I read this post and thought I'd comment. It's nice to hear about how you deal with depression. I think it hits us all very differently. I still need to figure out how to take care of it in my own life. Maybe I can learn from you.
wow eric that was really enlightening...seriously. It's crazy to think that you really do THINK as much as DAD THINKS. And really, that's way to much. :) The things you were born knowing will always astound me. You're a freakin genius. I love you so much. Thanks for sharing.
Loves.
Frank the Dog will never GET SHOT!!
mmmm...chocolate ice cream.
I'm also grateful that you know you have friends and family that have been there and done that - and that you call on us for support and laughter as you roll down the hill.
I also deal with severe depression and PTSD and SAD... It is rough! I am so sorry! I have tried meds etc, but they don't work! I do the same thing - realize I am at a low spot and try to get through it one minute at a time. For me one of the best things I can do is look outside myself and help someone else. I try to figure out someone I can go help clean house for or take a meal to etc - that is all that seems to help. Why???? I don't know. I guess because it helps me get out of my head for a little while!
I think it is amazing how you relate these things together! Sorry - I failed algebra a few times too ,but never went on to the other stuff which also looks like greek to me! I am just grateful someone knows how those kinds of things work!
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