No reason. I just want to.
I suffer from severe depression. I'm alright with it. I deal with it.
It has gotten so bad in the past that I decided living was no longer a priority. I attempted suicide 6 years ago. It didn't work because you cant overdose on the medication I was taking at the time for my depression, I know, awesome use of irony in what I believed to be my last act. I hope if I ever get shot, I have time to say the best last line
"Bullets..... my one weakness..... how did you know?"
Although I probably should hope to never get shot instead....
I do my best not to let depression hijack my life. I have ways of dealing with it, and a few of them work. The best way I have found to deal with it is simply knowing that I'm just in a down-cycle right now.
Ok so, this is a sine wave, its what makes the modern world possible (ac electricity). Its also a nice diagram of how my depression acts most of the time, and at the moment I'm at the bottom of the wave. But it will soon begin to rise once more and ill feel better about life and I wont want to jump out the window anymore.I have sisters that deal with depression, I have friends who suffer from depression, I have cousins, brother-in-laws, a parent, neighbors and church members that all deal with it.
If you do not have to deal with it, then you don't know what its like to feel completely discouraged, sad, unmotivated, lethargic, irritable, introverted and tired for weeks at a time, for no reason.
That may very well be the worst part for me, that there is no reason.
Theoretical mathematics baffles me. I had a horrible time passing my math classes is college because it was completely unconnected with anything i cared about.
I have no idea how to do this math, and its simple quadratic equation stuff.
But this makes perfect sense to me, its the Laser rate equation, where u is laser intensity and z is when the laser reaches population inversion.
Or Planks constant, this is simple stuff that I memorized the first few weeks of school.
For me, dealing with things that have no reason, or no specific connection in my life is incredibly difficult and I sometimes just fail. like taking algebra 3 times, or staying depressed because I'm trying to figure out why I'm depressed.
I sometimes think that everyone understands this, and when someone says something that shows me that they don't get it, and they don't understand that you cant simply stop being depressed, or fix it by taking a pill, or praying, or getting exercise, then I have to remember that people don't think the way I do, and I don't think they way they do.
I figure that everyone can see that this schematic is a simple representation of...
This circuit. Its for recording audio onto a tape.
So, what do I do about this?
Honestly, for the most part I pretend I'm fine. Its a lot easier that having to deal with the questions and explanations. The problem with pretending like I'm alright, is that no one knows that i have a problem and that i know how to deal with it. What if someone needs advice because they are dealing with this too?
My only answer to that is to be as perceptive as I can and when I see someone that i think may benefit from my experience then I can talk to them and see if any of my methods work for them.
However, the best part about pretending I'm alright is that inevitably, the thing you pretend to be, you become. So i often make myself happy by pretending to be so.
Ive probably made little sense to most of you, but for those of you that I have reached and this article has resonated with you, I'm glad.
